And then, as quickly as it began, it stops.
And you wake on the beach, your ear an open tunnel
for the lapping ocean waves to press against your brain.
The engines deep inside you start, skip, stop and start again.
The fans whirr, and everything comes slowly to life.
The world as you’ve always known it stops spinning, and turning and being two-fold
and focuses in front of your glassy half-open eyes.
You’re 26, Lunch with your wife in a neighbouring country,
and because you hadn’t called Visa and told them you were travelling,
your card was frozen and declined.
You hadn’t told them you were going to drive 6.5 hours to a beach town
and eat at Jimmy the Greek’s pizza house, and so they didn’t like the sound of all that.
The part you remember is the waiter wanting to tell you that your card was declined,
but he really didn’t want to do it in front of your wife.
He didn’t want to embarrass you, in front of what, for all he knew, was a first date.
You were humbled and grateful for that kindness, as unnecessary as it was.
You took that with you and put it in your front pocket
and used it to guide you for the rest of your life,
or the rest of the week,
as these things go.
The sky is such a perfect flat blue you can’t decide how much is sky, or ocean.
Your skin matches the beach, and you can’t figure that out either, what’s skin or sand.
And it goes on like that for a while.
Struggling, and stumbling, uncertain about beginnings or ends.
14 now, and you’re in the garage of your youth.
Your dad is making something, but failing.
Making something out of nothing the way some people can, but he can’t.
He’s struggling and the struggle brings an anger and the anger brings a rage.
He’s making something for his golf bag,
something that people normally just buy but he can’t afford. And that adds to his rage.
You want to tell him it will be ok.
But you want to.
Around you, you can see the remains of a small boat, or a raft.
Whatever it is that got you to the beach in the first place.
Off the shore you can see a very large boat, anchored, lazily cresting the waves.
You can also see a smaller boat with people coming toward you.
You imagine you’ve died and gone to a place
where you just watch boats of various sizes forever and ever.
You think this a rather meek hell.
You’d have done more selfish things had you known.
Then you’re struck by the notion, not of death, but of quite the opposite:
They’re coming to rescue you.
6 years old and rolling lawnmower wheels and bicycle rims down a giant green back lawn,
crashing into the leaning woodpile below.
Over and over. Racing.
Crushing blades of green grass and leaning towers of pink flower.
A bee, taking offence, stings in retaliation.
And the end has come.
And you wail, the sun beating down on your open mouth,
the air lapping at your young, crying ears the way the ocean does now.
Your father’s terrible rusty pickup soothes into the babysitter’s driveway
and he scoops you in his arms and applies cucumber and removes the stinger.
The small boat is larger now.
(we’re talking about perspective here).
and they’re climbing out.
You want to tell them to be careful.
That the ocean will lap their brains and fill their heads and they will fall over, top heavy, and will sink.
They seem concerned though, only for you.
Faces forward, ears dry.
Things are darkening,
Your head crashes back down into the soft sand.
The classroom is dark and enormous.
It’s like a dream or a movie, the ceiling, somewhere above in the dark.
It’s like a giant, carpeted gymnasium.
Desks are lined against the far wall,
chairs stacked on top, their legs pointing to the ceiling like dying bugs.
A small table in the corner is lit by a small light and a small woman sits,
surrounded by small briefcases of glass.
They’re checking your eyes now.
Better or worse she says.
You can’t decide but are very concerned about answering incorrectly.
You need glasses.
You will need them for the rest of your life.
The first time you wear them, the floor is uneven,
It moves and sways like…
Strong arms lift you into a boat and the wooden floorboards are surprisingly welcome.
Dry, despite the surrounding ocean.
The water can’t hurt you here.
Your rescuers speak French and talk among themselves
about Paris and berets and umbrellas and baguettes, you guess.
You imagine they’re saying very important things.
You imagine they’re naming delicious food.
The sky is the sea and your ear is a tunnel and your brain is alive